in the words of Xandrbfrekq… what is your strongest emotion, and why?
Fear. Yes.
Why?
Uh, well… I’m always anxious. Um…
There’s never anything I can be sure about.
Well, for example, I could lose my job tomorrow. Lose my apartment. Not have anywhere to live. Or war could break out. That’s also a possibility…
You know, there’s nowhere safe to hide nowadays. There’s never a neutral party anymore. If it was a war nextdoor, our nation would be brought into it eventually. Yeah.
Mm, times are peaceful right now. But there’s potential for them to go wrong. There are always potential to go wrong. And I always do my best to prepare for that. However, they never happen as one would expect. The best one can do is mitigate some of its effects. One never know what could happen next. Not even tomorrow.
Maybe (it makes things interesting), but I think I’d rather be bored and well informed rather than stay on my toes all the time. Times move too fast now, and I sometimes wish for the old days when it was more simple.
Yes, there are certainly others who worry just like me. But never as much as I do. I’m always more calculated. I think about it more. Even they tell me I need to relax sometimes, which can be amusing.
Am I proud of it? I don’t know.
I can’t say for sure. Sometimes it makes me feel good. To be more sensitive and prepared. You know, the more one thinks about something, the more prepared they are. Of course it’ll never be as prepared as experiencing it yourself, but it’s better than nothing. But…
Where was I going with this…?
Right, the flip side is I never feel like I can relax. Even days where I tell myself I will set aside some time to relax. As hard as I try, I can never clear my mind. It’s so ingrained into me now. To prepare for… to think about what’s coming next. To watch my back is really what it comes down to. What I fear the most, more than anything…
Well… I don’t mean to bring this to an awkward spot…
Well… I fear death.
It’s the most enigmatic thing. Culture has wrapped it up so neatly. With darkness… The after life. Underworld. All those mythical stories.
But I find those hard to believe. What really comes after it? Nothing? Are we left to wander an abyss for the rest of eternity? If there even is such thing as a soul. Countless lives being born, yet you’re unable to join them again? Your existence, wiped out like it didn’t matter?
Is there really only one chance? To lead the life you want? And to lose it all anyway, if you succeed? And if you fail, then… That’s it.
That’s the one life you get.
It’s cruel, really.
It’s even more cruel that this world can be so extraordinary beautiful. But then, to imagine one will have to leave it eventually. And not even the way they may think. Or get to choose.
We all imagine living long and happy lives. Hard, but happy, and just like the others. Nothing unusual will happen. There are unfortunate exceptions, but that will never happen to me, right? Right…?
But, what if it does? Your worldview shatters, and I’m not sure if I’m prepared for that.
Xandrbfrekq did not wish to share more. We thank you for sharing these difficult feelings with us.