Welcome to another edition of Childish Rambling. As you may suspect, the purpose of this series is to get my thoughts out without worrying too much about being politically correct, and generally consists mostly of my opinions and musings. As such, reader discretion is advised, though I hope to spur your own curiosity to think about and explore more on your own.
So there is a pattern I’ve observed with the way I’ve been writing. Every Monday, I set aside some time to think about what I will be posting for the week. Sometimes, this takes very little time, since I’m picking up where I left off last week. Other times, I start fresh. For these days, I pull open my notes and look through the ideas I have written down, choose whichever inspires me the most in that moment, and start writing.
For a little background context, every single post I’ve made on the station (aside from announcements) can be found on a giant cumulative document I have in the cloud. It is organized by week, and the very top has a jumble of ideas I’ve thought of and written down to possibly explore later. This is how almost every story on here starts: as a few lines of text in between a bunch of other lines of text. Once I believe I have a story and start to develop it further, I cut out the lines of text from the jumble and give it its own dedicated section.
Most of the ideas I write down in this document end up being philosophical; a side-effect of how I spend my idle time. And though I feel heavily motivated by some of the topics I write down, most of them don’t move beyond just that; vague ideas written down on a document no one can see. These ideas have accumulated to the point where it takes four pages before you reach the weekly sections part of the document. Given this fact, it must surely be no issue to write a new post every week.
Except that is not the case. And I wondered: why?
Why has it grown more difficult? Was it because of school? Was my approach wrong? Has my approach changed? With each new semester, I do feel like I’m approaching my creative practices from a new perspective. A little bit of self-reflection always does some good, even if it’s sometimes depressing, so I pondered.
Maybe it was school. A Bud in the Rising Sun, which I consider to be my strongest piece of writing that originated from this station, was written in the summer. But on the contrary, some of the other posts I felt strongly about were written during the spring semester. Then are there differences between this semester and the last? Yes, this one is arguably busier than the last; I am taking more credits, working a part-time design job, and working on my undergraduate thesis. Which of those parts could be the culprit? Is it because of thesis project, where I am writing a novella and producing promotional animations for it? Or is it the analytical topics, such as statistics and the design job, that are ‘sucking back my creativity?’ If that’s even a condition or simply a mental block.
I don’t know for sure, but let’s return to the pattern I observed. Where I begin with a philosophical idea, then try to make a story out of it. In abstract, I feel strongly about these ideas. However, once I start to narrow down an idea by creating a fictional story around it, that’s when I lose interest. There are several possible reasons I think this is happening.
The first is conflict. Conflict is what makes a story interesting. It is what draws the reader to continue reading; to see how the problem is resolved. It is our very nature to try and resolve problems, and by reading further, readers feel as if they are resolving the conflict (if the writer affords them to) even if in reality, they are powerless in their ability to change the storyline set by the writer. That is my understanding, at least (I am by no means a psychologist). In regards to my writing, I am perhaps not deliberating enough on the conflict of the story when I start with an idea as the foundation. In other words, I am tunnel-visioning so hard on preserving the message that I leave the conflict aspect underdeveloped. I am human too, so without a solid conflict, I lose interest as well, even if it’s my own writing.
There is a possible explanation for the lack of development in the conflict, and it relates to the second issue I’ve observed. I am possibly neutering the story before I’ve even begun writing it, by trying to fictionalize the narrative so much to the point it is no longer relatable. It is the risk-averse side of my personality that drives me to try and avoid controversial issues directly, but rather, ambiguously hint at them with fictional elements. And although there’s nothing wrong with that—there are plenty of writers who do so—I am finding myself following the technique more vigorously than when I started writing. As a result, most of the ideas I’ve written down were deemed as ‘tough cases’ that I needed more time to think about how I could abstract. I thought they were too contentious for the persona I wanted to maintain, and decided to wait on fleshing them out. Thinking this way limits my choices, and is possibly what led me to this situation.
Perhaps when I’m older and care less, it will be easier for me to share these stories. Looking at the first dozen stations, I see a more daring picture; a writer that took more risks, and in some cases addressed some of these contentious issues directly. So the assertive voice in me is already there; it’s a matter of whether I embrace it or not. Maybe obtuse abstraction is hindering my interest, and is not the way for me to go. Or perhaps I simply need to adjust my balance and find a level I am comfortable with. I am still in the infancy of my writing career, so it’s far too early to grow conservative over my style. It is something I could play around with in the future, and a measure I suspect will change as I grow older.
Now that I’ve possibly figured out the problem, how could I fix it? Is there a more effective method of writing for me? Starting with a philosophic idea or starting with the conflict of a story? The way I see it at the moment, the stories I’ve conceived starting with the idea end up having vague conflicts. Perhaps if I adjust that one aspect of my process, then starting with the idea is not an issue. Ideas can be a powerful start as well, and I certainly spend most of my waking time thinking about them. It’s simply the fictional narrative part of the equation I have been struggling on these past few months, and I must admit, coming up with interesting new narratives is hard when I’m dedicating so much time onto one polished story.
I marvel at those who have been at this for decades. I have a hunch that, based on personal experience, these writers keep ideas coming in by constantly engaging with the world, and more importantly, engaging with other creative individuals. I’ve experienced this feeling multiple times during my college years, where I’ve talked to others in my field and gotten interesting ideas out of my conversation with them without them even knowing that’s what is going on in my head. Some of these ideas I get may have taken a while to think of by myself, if at all. If I were to think about this observation from a perfectionist self, I must admit my level of sophistication is not good enough yet, needing still to rely on my peers for ideation. At the same time, however, there is a fundamental limit of my flesh, only being able to be in so many places in a lifetime and perceive the world with only my consciousness. One of the ways to compensate for this limit is to engage with more people, not just from my local community, but those outside it as well; or at the very least, those who have left another community to join mine.
Ultimately, whether it’s time constraints, my approach, or a simple mental block that’s inhibiting my writing, only time will tell, in retrospect, which of the causes, or a combination of the causes, resulted in the writing of this ramble. Perhaps I may never know. This entry ended up being much more focused on observations of myself rather than of other writing, but true to the purpose of this series, I’ve gotten my thoughts across through half-organized rambling. It is a glimpse into how the ideas behind my narratives originate, and hopefully those who have stuck around this deep into the writing found it an interesting insight into how you yourself deliberate your own ideas.