Dear journal,
Yesterday, I did nothing but eat and sleep. It was a Sunday, after all. I had nowhere to be, and I wasn’t expected do any work over the weekend either.
So, why do I feel so guilty about it?
Sitting on a pillow, I idly fanned myself and stared out at the cloudless sky. The sun had woken me up early in the morning. Not being able to fall back asleep, I reluctantly got up to eat.
Fetching a bowl of rice, I ate it slowly, consuming bits of it every now and then. I listened to the windchimes gently sing with the dim breeze. I thought about how I should’ve been doing something else. However, the heat was unbearable, and part of me didn’t want to bother with anything at all. Ultimately, that’s what I ended up doing. By the time the sun had set, I crawled onto my futon, which hadn’t been tucked away, drew the sheets over myself and went to sleep.
Though to be fair, I didn’t do absolutely nothing. Besides getting something to eat, I did a lot of thinking. And in my guilt, I thought about what it was that made me feel such a way.
One conclusion I came to was that I felt like I was wasting my life away. I should be doing something productive, I thought. Maybe working on my book. Or perhaps, idly sketching. I felt, for some reason, that any other activity would’ve been better. That sitting around was to surrender to my animal impulses of doing whatever felt pleasurable in the spur of the moment.
Which led to my second conclusion, that I felt guilty because it was animal-like to lounge around, doing nothing productive. It made me wonder, should I feel uncivilized for being that way? Unsophisticated, lazy, of no use. Was there really any substance to such thinking? I still work, pay my bills, spend my money. Was that not good enough? Is it reasonable to expect every citizen to strive to be the next great innovator?
Such thinking was dangerous as well, I had thought. Aside from the fact that an innovative mind is uncommon to have, there simply isn’t enough resources for everyone to be working on their own innovation projects. Projects of the kind require others to work for them as well.
Additionally, if someone did fail to ever put their ideas into fruition, they would have perhaps been seen as a failure, a life of no value. Such a high standard also disregards the lives of many. Those who may have dedicated themselves to raising healthy children and nothing else. It overlooks how their lives shaped their children, the people who may go on to be great innovators themselves.
As I sat there, sweating in the summer heat, debating my guilt, my mind wandered a few times. A few times, I let it go blank, once my brain started to hurt from the back and forth. After several cycles, I came upon my final conclusion for the day.
It seemed to me that society is such that we felt like we always needed to be doing something. That the next day must be better than the day before, and that simply doing nothing to improve yourself was to be shamed. While it is a noble attitude, it can be taxing to try and keep pace. Especially since that pace is accelerating. As I grew up, it has become harder and harder for me to simply relax and do nothing. I envy my youthful self, who lived in blissful ignorance to the responsibilities of the so-called ‘reality.’ A life encased in a timeless fantasy, where each daylight hour and nighttime dream had its own novelty.
Does it mean I wish to return to those days? Even after all the pessimistic thought, my answer was still— no. Now that I’ve experienced this world of forward progress, I find it hard to go back. There was once a time where I would’ve been satisfied to lead a normal life, one that laid low and never saw the spotlight. Today, my ambition is simply too strong to confine myself to such a lifestyle. I go forward, aware of the risks of disappointment and opportunities for failure that come with such a high ambition.
In talking with a friend, I was able to formulate my attitude into words. The questions I remind myself everyday. What is it I want to do? What purpose does it serve to me? And can that purpose be fulfilled through other means? Though I feel as if I always need to do something, that every hour I waste is a detriment to my final goal, I concluded that it is only natural to occasionally give in to my impulses. I came to accept that to simply do nothing productive was a healthy practice to exercise once in a while, and that I should not feel ashamed if anyone else thinks of me any less for that.
Maybe in a few years, I’ll look back on this journal entry and think of how silly I was to debate the obvious. Or perhaps I would be reminded of this wisdom, after becoming someone who was constantly on the move.
I thought long past lunchtime. By the time I finished my bowl, I got up to fetch another for dinner. Heating up some leftover meat and veggies, I quickly ate my meal, then watched the sun set below the cityscape.