CONFESSION
I pushed the kotatsu to the corner of my room and brought out my futon. We had a spare mattress which I stored in my closet. I promised Akiho she could borrow it if she came over, as I imagined it would be cumbersome to lug her own futon onto the train, two times.
Akiho took her bag to the sink to brush her teeth while I prepared my room. After she came back, we swapped places. I carried on with what I normally did before bed: brushed my teeth, washed my face, and used the toilet. When I went back to my room, Akiho was already laid down on the floor, kicking her feet back and forth as she read a book tucked right under her chin, against the pillow. Upon closer inspection, it was a comic book, which made more sense. She looked up.
“Do you want tea?” I quickly asked.
“I’m fine. It’s too hot for that.”
“Ah, would you prefer water instead?”
“I’m fine, really. Don’t worry about me.”
Moving to my desk, I gathered together the papers I was writing, tapping the stack on the table to align them.
“Are you doing some writing before bedtime?” There was a playful manner to her voice.
“Eh? No, I’m just putting my papers away. The night is always humid and I don’t like getting them wrinkled.”
“Ah.”
Sliding open my drawer, I pushed the papers into the back corner and slid it shut.
“I still think you should share your writing.”
“With whom?” Then I laughed. “Would you be interested in reading it? You hardly read any books as is.”
I turned around and sat down on my futon, crossing my legs. Akiho shifted her weight onto one shoulder so she could face me better. With how close she was, I realized she moved her futon next to mine while I was away.
“Hey, if it were a friend’s, I would! Even if I understand absolutely nothing about what I’m reading!”
“Aren’t you just forcing yourself, then? That doesn’t sound very fun for you.”
“Eh… I suppose. What about Hakaku?”
The name made my heart skip a beat. “What? Why?!”
“I’m sure he would be interested!”
“Nonsense! What makes you think of that?”
“He seems interested in you, just like me! I’m sure he would think the same way.”
“No, he wouldn’t read anything I write!” I convinced myself. “There’s nothing interesting there!”
My friend started to laugh. “Why are you so quick to say that?!”
“What I write would be boring to him!”
“Then why do you write?! Give yourself some credit!”
“I write for myself! That’s all there is to it!” With the attention on me, I could feel my face growing hot. I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down. Of course, Akiho didn’t play along. I could see a twinkle in her eyes.
“You two would make a great couple!” she winked.
This time, my cheeks certainly grew tomato red. I shifted my legs uncomfortably. “Nonsense! It’s not like that with the two of us!”
“Wouldn’t it be a great thought, though?”
“No way! I don’t think I should be a parent.”
“Who says you can’t be a couple without kids?”
“He’ll want them. All men do!”
Akiho bursts out giggling. “That’s nonsense! I’m sure there’s some that don’t!”
I brought up my legs and cradled them. “How would you know?”
“How? Well, how would that be possible?! Every one of them thinking the same way, all across the globe?! Just think about it! Even I am using my brain more than you are on this one!”
I knew I was clearly flustered, and I was not saving myself by continuing to talk.
“There’s no need to be embarrassed.”
“I’m not!”
“Then why are you so red?!”
“Just, stop it! You’re making me feel uncomfortable!” I spun around and faced the wall, hiding my face from her.
“You started it! I didn’t think of it that way until you started acting like I was setting up a date!”
I stayed silent.
“Hey, sorry, I’m just teasing. I’m jealous of you, you know. I don’t have anyone like that.”
I sighed, and eventually turned back around. “I’m fine. Sorry.”
She nudged her comic book closer to me. “Do you want to read with me?”
I looked down at the book and immediately recognized the characters, especially the big metal suit of armor. “Is this…?”
“Yeah. I know you bought the first volume last time, when we went to the city.”
Unwrapping my legs, I lowered myself down to the floor. “Ah, is this the second volume then?”
“Eh… Actually, no, it’s the fourth volume. I don’t own a copy of the second volume.”
“Ah.”
“Would you prefer not to be spoiled?”
“Eh, kind of. And also I wouldn’t be able to follow the plot either.”
“I also brought some other comics we could read. I forgot this is something else we could do.”
“Sure, I’ll see what else you have.”
“Well…” She rolled over onto her back to reach for her bag on the other side. “There’s only one other comic I brought along that is the first volume.”
Taking out another book, she rolled back and placed it on the floor, replacing the FMA comic book. It showed a blue-haired woman in a skin-tight suit.
“Eh… What is this?”
“It’s actually really interesting! It’s a science fiction comic in space!”
“Well… I’ll give it a try, I guess.”
It wasn’t as bad as the cover suggested, though I was surprised Akiho picked this up. It was a space opera that used so many of its own made-up words. Even I had trouble following along. Akiho explained she bought this book blind, still sealed up, just because it was the book of the week at the comic store. It made me wonder how many comic books she had at home.
“Hey, I don’t do this all the time! I was bored and I ran out of other comics to read. But I think the purchase was worth it in the end!”
“I guess. Just don’t expect everything to go that well next time.”
Before I knew it, an hour had passed, and we finished the volume. “Right?!” she exclaimed. Though the book helped me wake up a bit, I suggested we should definitely sleep soon. I slid the door shut and turned off the lights as Akiho put away her comics. Gauging the stifling air, I decided to keep the window open tonight, feeling a slight cool breeze waft in. Returning to the futon, I unfurled my blanket and drew it over me.
“I wish we could do this everyday,” Akiho murmured as she unfurled her blanket.
“I’ll eventually have to go back to studying. I don’t think I will be fun to be around when I am.”
“No, you’re right. I wish it was always summer, then. It’s just so boring at home.”
“If it’s always the same, then you’ll get bored of it,” I chuckled.
“Ah, well, I don’t know, then. I’m sure we could mix things up.”
“I’m a boring person. You would get bored of me if you saw me everyday.”
“Well, maybe… Maybe not… Well…” Her voice trailed off, like she was trying to convince herself, but couldn’t quite do it. “Then, maybe if we… uh…”
I took off my glasses and placed them on the floor in front of me. “I’m sure of it—”
“Ah, I don’t know! I’m just always bored. It can’t be helped.”
“Mm.”
“You know, I’m just a restless person…”
Crossing my arms on my pillow, I tucked in my chin again and stared into the fuzzy darkness under my desk.
“If I see a huge open space, I just get this urge to run around in it, you know? Like it’s a gym?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Like, down a street. Ah, or that train station we saw last time. Remember?”
“Yeah.” I heard her shuffling in bed next to me. From the corner of my eye, I saw a fuzzy pair of hands reach out into the darkness, her fingers wiggling. She too was laying on her belly.
“And it’s not the only station like that. There are plenty of large stations. Although, it’s one I see the most.”
“Ah.”
“I never get a chance to be there by myself, so I guess that’s why I’ve always wanted to play around in it.”
“Mmm.” I knew all of this of course. But I listened anyway, trying my best not to fall asleep just yet. Laying on my stomach helped, as it wasn’t an entirely comfortable position to fall asleep in.
“One day, when both my parents are away, I want to stay at the station overnight until everyone is gone. Maybe then I can get my wish.”
I stifled a huge yawn in my mouth. My eyes watered so much that I couldn’t help but rub both of them dry.
“I don’t know where I’d sleep, though. And I don’t want to look homeless, because that will worry other people.”
“Mm, not a good idea…”
“I could try walking back. The station is not that far from where I live.”
“Mm.”
“Or, I don’t know. Maybe, I shouldn’t care what others think and just do it. Sometimes I think I worry too much about what other people think.”
I carelessly chuckled. I could hear an obvious tint of drowsiness in my voice as my words slurred. “Really? I didn’t think that would be a problem for someone like you.”
“I don’t know. I think I do.”
With my eyes stinging, I had to shut them. I forbid myself from rubbing them anymore. “Imagine being me.”
“It suits you, though. The person you are. If you didn’t care a little too much, you just don’t make sense.”
“Hm?” I didn’t quite follow what that had to do with her.
“But if you’re bold like me, and I care too much, then I don’t make sense. So, when people pressure me to do things, I just shut them out.”
“Mm, I don’t think it’s as simple as that. You don’t have to be one-dimensional.”
“I know. It’s not like I should never care. It’s just that I care too much.”
“Ah, I see.”
“Yeah, I’m not saying I shouldn’t care at all. I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t care. Then… I just become my parents…”
“Mm.”
“… who, you know, don’t care if I don’t have anyone else to play with. They’re always like: Go find your friends to play. We’re busy.”
There was some mockery in her voice as she imitated her parents. As I opened my mouth, I hesitated.
“And I would stay home to make a point I wanted to play with them, but they just don’t get it. All it does is make me bored and restless. And leaves me without any friends.”
We sort of had this conversation already. Yet, she was returning to it the same way, like it was something she could not let go.
“And I get it, they’re too busy to get it. But it wasn’t always like this. At least, I don’t think so. I remember some of the stories they told me when I was young, about when they were young, and they sounded so happy. Now, they don’t seem happy anymore.”
“…”
“They’re always worried about work. And me. But, not in a ‘caring worried’ kind of way. More like, a ‘nuisance I have to deal with’ kind of way.”
I opened my eyes to see her moving her arms around in the darkness while she talked, vibrating the floor ever so slightly.
“I kinda feel like, I’m just extra baggage, you know? Sometimes it feels like they would be a lot happier without me… And it’s just, like, why bother having me in the first place, then?!”
Finally, she stopped rambling. Her voice was faltering more and more, trembling the further she went. I flashed a glance in her direction, but without my glasses, I couldn’t see her face. It was just a blur.
“… Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Don’t worry,” she immediately refuted.
I stayed silent, not knowing what else to say.
“… Actually, no I’m not. I really don’t feel like my parents love me.”
“… I’m sorry.”
“It’s always about work or for the sake of their work or something like that. Never about how I feel. They’re always telling me to be more reasonable. But is it really reasonable to never do anything with their kid?”
“…”
“Sorry, there’s just a lot of emotion going through me right now.”
“No, no, it’s okay. This is something I should hear.”
I was surprised to hear her giggling a little. When I turned my head to face her, I could roughly make out her figure in the darkness, rubbing her eyes, quietly sniffing.
“Well, I’m glad you’ll listen,” she mumbled, trying to cry it off.
“… Why haven’t you told me this before?”
“I dunno. I didn’t feel like it was appropriate maybe. I don’t know why I decided to talk about it now.”
“Ah…”
It did feel like it would be an awkward conversation to have in the middle of the day, in the classroom or out on the school courtyard. Hearing Akiho like this, I felt helpless. Though I felt for her, I was certain things weren’t quite the way she described it. The way she perceived her parents likely isn’t how they felt. However, it felt like a bad time to bring that up. Right now, she just wants comfort. Reality isn’t as important.
“You know,” she spoke with one final sniff. “They were right. Bed time together really is different.”
“Ah… Yeah, I guess so. It feels easier to talk about difficult things.”
After several moments of silence, I felt the floor rumble as Akiho moved around in the darkness. I could feel her getting closer to me.
“Hey, roll over. Let me get in with you.” There was a bit of mischief in her voice.
“Eh?”
I felt her throw part of her blanket over me. Then, she wiggled her way under my blanket, scooching closer to me. With her face so close, I grew sheepish, looking away.
“Wha…”
“This is what Americans do,” she reassured.
“Are you sure you’re not assuming American stereotypes?”
“Little kids over here sleep together too. Then, just pretend we’re little kids.”
“I’m sure you don’t want to sleep with me. I roll around a lot.”
She beamed. “And I kick, so don’t worry!”
“Then all the more we’re both better off sleeping individually.” With two blankets on top of me, as well as our shared body heat, it was growing too stuffy hot for me.
“Let’s try it just this once. Part of the experience.”
“Then, can we take off one blanket? This is way too warm for me to sleep.”
“Sure.”
I felt the extra weight lift off of me and a draft of air as she flung her blanket over to her side. I gave up some of my blanket so that she could g
“Do you have enough on your side?” I asked.
“Yeah. What about you?”
“Yeah.”
The blanket lifted off my chest as she sat up a little. “No, your other arm is out.”
“It’s fine.” I would rather sleep like this than snuggled up against her.
“Maybe we could turn the blanket around.”
Then I felt the blanket completely lift off of me as she rotated it, flapping it in the air. Another draft of air rushed past me in a refreshing way, cooling me down. Once everything was settled, Akiho got back in with me.
“Hm. Well, now our feet are kind of exposed,” she laughed.
“Good enough for me, as long as my belly is covered.”
“Ah, okay.”
I could feel her settling down. It was about time we fell asleep. As I relaxed my shoulders, another wave of drowsiness washed over me. Akiho’s voice was growing softer. It was just about time for her to sleep as well. Still, she kept talking as the final moments of the night began to fade away.
“You’re my best friend, do you know that?”
I felt my face blush. “Thanks.”
“Today, you really helped me.”
“Ah. I’m glad I could return the favor.”
She giggled. “For what, that day we went to the city?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m glad to hear.”
“…”
“What song do you think you’ll wake up to?”
“Mm?”
“In your head.”
“Mm. I don’t know… I’m too tired to think.”
“Heh, sorry, I’ll let you sleep, then.”
“Mm… It’s something we wouldn’t know until it happens, anyway.”
“Ha ha, good point.”
End.