I have always thought about what it meant to be in a relationship.
I think about it a lot, but I hesitate to say I think about it more than my partner does. By virtue of being a female, the women must think about it more often than the men do, right? As much as I could think about it, I may never be able to fully understand their position or cater to it.
It is because of this uncertainty that I fear I may not be capable of claiming love. I fear I think too much about myself to do so. I contemplate about my writing, about my future career, and about the steps I could take to accomplish my goals. I want to become a writer, just as my father was. In contrast, my mother had dedicated her entire life to raising children, raising my siblings and me. As appreciative as I am for her dedication, I could not imagine myself following her footsteps.
I spent time fearing for myself. With the threat of war growing overseas, I do not know how much longer our country can afford to stay neutral. And because I am a man, I would be drafted to join the conflict. I have shared my concerns with my colleagues, who have dismissed the possibility, claiming that the conflict would resolve itself and there is no logic in actively participating in the conflict. But just as it was with the previous great war, I am sure the government will find a reason to.
Beyond my selfish traits, I am perhaps too naive to understand a relationship. Or perhaps, at the very least, I feel that way. I keep to myself for the most part. I try not to bother anyone else, and likewise, avoid anyone who may be bothersome to me. However, those formalities change in a relation. With friends, sometimes it’s best to hide the struggles in my personal life so much as to not ruin a good moment. Being as awkward as I was, I usually had to conduct myself in a different manner amongst others. In a relationship, however, hiding such struggles would not be healthy, and would only prove ruinous to a relationship later on.
Hence this is where my concerns rest. Although my conditions have come a long way since my early days, it is something I still contemplate. As I close this diary entry, I do not expect to claim I am at peace with my understanding, but I hope the act of thinking and writing about such has lessened my imperfections.